The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just had sex on a roof
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
