The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
