Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
