I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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