Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
