I just made out with a guy for $7.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song