I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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