I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
