people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
