he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
