I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
