I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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