Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
