the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
