I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
