I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
