Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
