the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
