My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
