I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
