TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
