I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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