is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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