Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
