my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
