made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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