just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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