The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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