I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
