My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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