tonight lets celebrate not being married
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
