I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
