If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
