If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
