my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
