you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
