apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think my fart just growled at me.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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