Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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