i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
