If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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