when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
