I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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