walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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