If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
