he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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