Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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