i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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