There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
did i just pee glitter
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
