ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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