Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
