If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
