You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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