there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
