So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
